Conflict and Control:

Every relationship, whether it is a toxic or a healthy relationship is going to have conflict every so often. You will have those differences of opinion and those arguments but there is a difference in a heated conversation and having emotional abuse or having those toxic interactions that can be harmful. Emotional abuse can be defined as behaviors used to control, intimidate, or isolate a partner.  Gaslighting, described as a form of emotional abuse where your partner tries to redirect  your thoughts so that you begin questioning everything. The partner using ‘gaslighting’ in a relationship typically blames their partner for every negative thing that has happened in the relationship and discounts their thoughts and feelings. Control is a huge subject when it comes to this topic because in toxic relationships, there is usually some type of control going on within the relationship such as controlling where you go, your finances, and making all of the decisions for you. When you begin to experience this emotional abuse you tend to doubt your sanity or your intelligence because someone is making you feel small. This can lead to a more serious type of abuse, physical abuse because if you are completely depending on this specific person for everything and you have no one else in your life then physical abuse can possibly happen. You begin to think to yourself “well maybe i am the problem and they are right” and you accept the abuse because of this. Once you begin experiencing these types of thoughts or feelings, you should start to set boundaries with yourself and your partner.

Boundaries:

Deciding on what is right and wrong for yourself and your own well being is something that everyone needs to do for themselves and in relationships. Words play a huge part in relationships, the way that someone says a word out of your name can trigger a response that may feel like abuse. This subject ties in with boundaries, name calling can be an issue so you need to be aware of how you personally feel and how it will impact you because not everyone has the same boundaries set up. Each person in a relationship has to establish and ask themselves “Does this hurt my feelings?” Instead of going straight into an argument with one another, communication is the main key to a relationship. Boundaries can also be associated with spirituality and theology as well, how worthy you feel about yourself and if God will allow you to set these boundaries. 

Spirituality and Theology:

Spirituality and theology can all intersect within toxic relationships because of how worthy you feel. Do you feel worthy with this person next to you? If you do not then do you really feel worthy that God is there for you and that God is involved in your relationships? You then need to ask yourself if you feel worthy within yourself and that all goes back into spiritual connection. The struggles that we have with people ultimately go back to the struggles we have with God. If you trust God then you believe that the things that things will workout for the relationship that you are having so you are open to whatever you believe God is leading you to. We are all able to even conceptualize God’s love because of our own experiences we have had, relationships with our caregivers can be unhealthy and all of the things that they have done to us. It is possible to wake up one day and see yourself doing the same thing as them one day or you may find yourself in the same situation you said you would never be in. If you do one day realize that you are a person you do not want to be then that is when courage comes into place. It takes courage to speak to someone about your feelings and admitting that you need help. If you do believe that you need help, whether that is working on yourself or a toxic relationship, speaking to a therapist is a great start to your journey of healing. 

Courage:

It takes courage to be the bigger person and have the courage to seek help to be healthier for yourself. Being intentional is what you have to do in order to get the help, be honest about where you are in your relationship and where you are. You then get to the point of “How important am I to myself?” Most of the time we think about the other person in the relationship and what they have going on. Sometimes it is very important to think about how you feel and learn to love and understand yourself. 

 Resources: 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org
• Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse By: Stephanie Moulton Sarkis PhD
•  I Didn’t Sign Up for This: A Couples Therapist Shares Real-Life Stories of Breaking Patterns and Finding Joy in Relationships By: Dr. Tracy Dalgleish